My Agency
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I am in total and unequivocal support of women collectively taking a stand in whatever way they choose to - and saying no more. However, there is something missing from the current conversation, namely the agency of women. The definition of agency is as follows according to Merriam-Webster: “the capacity, condition, or state of acting or exerting POWER.” I agree that exposing and removing men in positions of power that have laundry lists of abuses is essential to our advancement. It is equally important to ensure that those who support these power dynamics by not speaking out or are apologists are also addressed. Every man should be thinking about and questioning whether he has respected or violated a woman’s agency. Those men who want to be our allies in this movement should also be thinking about what they can do in their everyday speech and behavior to promote our agency. This is integral in order to create a space where all individuals regardless of gender thrive and prosper for the greater good of humankind. The other half to the transformation of our social fabric is raising and promoting women’s agency on a social level day to day.
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As women, we face a variety of circumstances and situations where our agency is either heightened or diminished. The goal is to heighten women’s agency further, to steer away from “tokenism."Agency also is not a permanent state and can change widely depending on where you are, whom you are with and what you are doing. On the other hand, it is important to recognize that we exist in a near constant state where women’s agency is limited in some way (mostly due to patriarchy and socially constructed gender norms). If you’re a woman of color or LGBTQ, your agency has been even more limited, and for most of history with the support of de-facto and de-jure law... It is that imbalance of agency that needs to be addressed. The conversation needs to expand beyond identifying the behavior and conduct of men and the power dynamics in all kinds of relationships. It is infantilizing and victimizing to assume that women don’t have any agency when dealing with men. It is just as extreme to assume that all men may assault you. We as a collective society need to do better. This piece is not here for women to be called out to do better regarding our agency, nor is it here to perpetuate that all men are inherently evil. The purpose of this piece is to move the conversation to the next phase of our movement.
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What we need to focus our energy and attention on is expanding our agency. This process starts right from the beginning. I don’t know what specifically my parents did, but I always felt I had agency. An early example of me exercising it was when I was only 8 years old. I had been home-schooled for my first few grades and joined school in third grade. On my first day, the son of a family friend was tasked with showing me around and introducing me to my classmates. He was very sweet and considerate. However, I realized that the only one who could introduce me was myself. So I politely, yet firmly, told him thank you, but I’ve got this. This was in front of 20 other kids who I didn’t know at all. It is a story my parents love to recall and exclaim that even at that age I knew how to exercise agency. I share this story not to illustrate my precociousness (as agency is sometimes described in young girls), but to show how at even as early as 8, there were situations where I had to exercise my agency. Agency is something that is instilled and needs continual positive reinforcement. It’s teaching our daughters that they are capable of making decisions and hold valid opinions from when they are toddlers. It not just telling children that they should be listened to and what they say should be respected and vice versa, but it also parents and teachers putting that into practice and creating an environment of collaboration and cooperation at homes and schools where the loudest or biggest voice doesn’t dominate.
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A big part of this is as women we need to decide to exert our agency. It’s not enough to create an environment where women feel comfortable exercising their agency, it’s up to us to use it. That’s the other half of this equation. Some may raise the possible consequences that can range from name calling to being fired. My response is we are living with the alternative, which we have already decided is no longer tolerable. We will be called names, we will be shamed, we will be doubted, and we may even face physical violence. These are all real possibilities that we must be armed to deal with. If you aren’t prepared or ready to exert your agency, I understand. But then please recognize then that support is out there and I hope you take steps towards advancing your own agency. Because trust me ladies, this has been a long fight we’ve been fighting, but we’re nearing the end. And this is when more than ever; we need anyone and everyone who supports the notion that women are also humans and should be treated with dignity and respect irrespective of what we look like or who we are. We are overturning power dynamics that have been at play for centuries, correction, millenniums. Let that sink in. They will not go down without a fight. So be bold, be brave and be•live.